REASONS FOR THE RULES
by okeydokeyworld
Summary: All the reasons for S.H.E.I.L.D.S OFFICAL RULES FOR LIVING WITH THE AVENGERS. Do you really want to know why Fury made the Rules?
1. Rule:353, Princess Bride

This is the story behind:  
RULE 353

"If you see Tony Stark run by, chasing Bucky Barnes while dressed as Inigo Montoya, report him immediately to Director Fury, and then run."

* * *

"There was no tactful way to phrase the current situation, Tony was drunk...again. And he was watching the **Princess Bride.** "

 _Export from official report of Director Fury._

* * *

Ever since Tony had discovered the true cause of his parent's death at Bucky's hands, he had retreated to his rooms with all the liquor he possessed.

He never left his bedroom, not even to go down to the labs, and he wouldn't talk to anyone but Bruce and Pepper.

Steve would bring him his meals, but Tony never spoke to Steve.

Pepper was with him this night, she had brought a movie and a platter of sharwarma, and they curled up on his bed, eating and watching the film.

Pepper had already fallen asleep, but Tony stayed awake, and started on his third glass of wine.

By the middle of the movie, he was completely and utterly intoxicated.

Through the haze of liquor, Tony managed to hear some of the dialogue in the movie.

"Hello! I am Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!" someone shouted on the TV screen.

" _That sounds like a good idea!"_ Tony drunkenly slurred to himself. He stumbled off the bed and out his of door. He lurched down the hallway and towards the elevator, and took the elevator to Natasha's floor.

If Natasha was surprised to find Tony knocking her door so late at night, she didn't comment. At least the billionaire had come out of his room.

"Nasha...can I borrow one of your wigs?" Tony chirped. Against her better judgement, Natasha loaned him the wig that he wanted. A black-haired wig with long curls, that Natasha sometimes used in her disguises. Tony took the wig and went back up to his bedroom, while Nat hastily called Fury.

Back in his room Tony dug some choice clothes out of his closet, boots, dark pants, long sleeved shirt, and a vest. He donned the clothes, and placed the wig on his head. He stood in front of his mirror for a while, brandishing a plastic take-out knife and flipping his fake hair.

Finally he left the room again, and made the journey to Bucky's room.

Bucky opened his door to find a drunken Tony standing there, waving a plastic knife at him.

"What the hell is going on?" Bucky demanded.

"Hello! I am Inigo Montoya Stark! You killed my father! Prepare to die! Tony shouted, lunging at Bucky with the plastic knife.

Bucky kicked at Tony's legs, sending the billionaire sprawling to the floor, and then turned and sprinted down the hallway towards Steve's room.

A quick glance into Steve darkened quarters told Bucky that Steve wasn't in there. Bucky ran straight past the rooms instead, with Tony in hot pursuit.

"Do you even care that it _wasn't really me_ who killed your father!" Bucky yelled over his shoulder, as Tony attempted to stab him.

"Just play along! " Tony screamed back, throwing his plastic knife at Bucky.

Bucky swore in Russian and pulled out a very blunt pencil from his pocket.

"I am Count Rugen, I killed your dad, fight me" Bucky muttered awkwardly, holding out the pencil like a sword.

(Thanks to Natasha, Bucky had actually seen the movie Princess Bride.)

Tony grinned, and retrieved his plastic knife. And the chase began again.

Tony and Bucky ended up in Stark Tower's huge kitchen, Bucky jumped up on a counter to gain leverage as Tony slashed at him with the plastic knife. The knife hit Bucky's arm and snapped in two.

Tony was flabbergasted at the loss of his weapon, Bucky however, jumped off the counter and began to walk away...until Tony ran at him, pushing him against the counter.

"Get off!" Bucky growled, swinging at Tony's head with his _metal_ arm, but Tony ducked, and Bucky punched through the humming _microwave_.

The subsequent explosion blew out the roof, and was heard from miles away. It also knocked the dueling pair unconscious.

When Tony and Bucky woke up, they were greeted by a very angry Nick Fury.

 _ **"YOU DUMB-ASSES!"**_ Fury roared, ripping the wig off Tony's head. _**"WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR**_ **YOURSELVES?"**

"Eh, why are you here?" whined Tony.

"Natasha called me, she told me you asked for some of her spyware." said Fury. "Spyware, it was a damn wig!" yelled Tony.

"You were using the wig to assist you in attacking your comrades!" Fury snapped.

Tony and Bucky looked at each other, remembering the idiocy of the previous fight. "I am Inigo Montoya Stark! I am avenging my father!" Tony shrieked. Fury sighed, "You mean you _were_ avenging your father."

"I am a great swordsman!" the drunk Tony persisted. "You were trying to kill me with a plastic knife" Bucky reminded him. Unexpectedly, Tony burst into hysterical laughter.

"Steve!" Bucky called frantically, now absolutely sure that the billionaire was crazy.

Instead of Steve, a wrathful Pepper Potts came stomping through the kitchen doors. "Tony, what did you blow up _**THIS TIME**!" _ she hissed. "Just the microwave" Tony mumbled.

"That was a gift from my mother!" Pepper yelled.

"Bucky! Are you okay!" Steve called.

Clint slid in with straw and feathers in his hair, "Who blew up my nest?" he said.

From far away the Hulk's voice could be heard, _**"WHY ROOF GONE?"**_

 ** _"DAMMIT TONY!"_** Fury bellowed. ** _  
"RUN, RUN!"_** everyone else yelled.

Bucky just didn't know anymore.

* * *

If you want more Reasons, then you are going to have to let me know which Rules you want me to write about.


	2. Rule:10, Coffee Time

This is the story behind  
Rule: 10

 _Personal time between Agent Coulson and his coffee must not be disturbed._

* * *

 **"Dumb-Asses blew up _my_ office again!"  
**

 _Export From Official Report Of Director Fury._

* * *

The coffee was steaming and warm, the steam rising up in thin curls, and the rich scent of vanilla was carried on the steam that was floating from the cup that held the amber liquid.

Coulson lifted the cup to his lips and took a sip, a small noise of satisfaction escaping his mouth as the fresh coffee ran down his throat.

Coulson took another drink, and another, and leaned back in his chair, enjoying the rejuvenating effects of the brew.

He was truly at peace at this moment, as he was being transitioned from the drowsiness that followed waking up, into the alertness that manifested when he imbibed the brown fluid.

Peaceful, tranquil...a huge crash echoed just outside his office.

Coulson blinked once, and returned his attention to his coffee, expecting some other agent to deal with what had sounded like a wall collapsing.

No such luck.

"Agent Coulson, sir?" someone called from outside, "We require your assistance, please?" It was one of the rookies, which could probably explain the wall.

"What do you require assistance with?" Coulson called back.

"We may have accidently blew up Director Fury's office." The rookie paused before hurriedly continuing, "It was an accident Sir, a we launched a small missile durning training by mistake."

Reluctantly, Coulson exited his own intact office, leaving the coffee sitting forlornly on his desk.

He sorted the whole mess out in a shockingly short time, after all, Fury's office had been blown up before.

Thank goodness Fury wasn't _in_ the office this time.

Coulson returned to his desk, picked up his cup, and returned to harmonious setting he had been previously immersed in.

Five minutes later, a bedraggled Hill came bursting through his door, carrying a titanic folder of papers.

"Something's come up Phil, I have to go." she said, placing the behemoth folder on the desk. "Can you file this for me?" She asked.

"They have to be given to Fury right away." Without waiting for an answer, Hill ran out, leaving Coulson alone with his rapidly cooling coffee and a giant stack of priority one forms.

Coulson's coffee was lukewarm by the time he had finished filing everything. He had only drunk half of his cup, and he did not receive the same effect that he would usually get from drinking a whole cup. As a result, he nearly fell asleep on his way to Fury.

His coffee was quite cold by the time he had actually filed the papers.

Coulson was irritated, drowsy, and did not want to make the journey to get a fresh cup.

So he sat down at his desk, tasking sips of the stone-cold coffee.

The very next moment, Fury came through the door, "Coulson, one of these forms is not filed correctly." he announced.

Coulson promptly flipped his desk, "I don't care!" he yelled in frustration, as the remainder of his coffee splattered everywhere.

Stepping over the upturned desk, he marched out the door, past Fury, down the hallway, and into the nearest cafeteria. Everyone turned to look at him in shock, as he stomped across the room, and to the line of coffee makers on the far left shelves.

Reaching out, he ripped one of the coffee makers from its place along the wall, cradling it possessively in his arms, he walked back out, and reentered his office.

Fury watched as Coulson installed the coffee machine with a feral look in his eye, as soon as Coulson was finished, he flipped the P.A system on.

"Bring me some creamer and sugar cubes _S.A.T !"_ he bellowed over the intercom.

A terrified rookie brought in the requested items. Coulson made his coffee, and sat happily on the floor to drink it.

Fury left briefly to assure the rest of the base that Coulson was in fact, _not_ suffering a mental breakdown.

In his absence, Coulson hit the intercom again. "Clint!" he called, "Come down here."

Clint reported to Coulson's office via air vents. "Sir?" he greeted.

"Stand outside with your bow, shoot anybody who tries to come in." Coulson ordered, as he stirred his coffee.

When Fury came back, he found a very confused Clint standing guard at Phil's office.

But that wasn't the end of it, for the next two months, Coulson posted guards outside his door in the mornings, to deter anyone from interrupting him, while he prepared and consumed his coffee.

Fury was forced to intervene when someone was shot in the kneecap.

But Coulson had proved his point very well.

* * *

You...liked this...?


End file.
